Still Broken

"And if you touched, if you touched my heart, you'd feel the pain I call hoping."
~Still Broken by The Last Wish

You can't change the way other people feel, but the reverse is true too. Last night, someone who I thought I could be in a relationship with told me that he wanted to remain friends. To be honest, I think it shattered both of us. I could feel my heart breaking when he said it, but somehow I still wish it could be. Maybe I always will, and even if he doesn't want that, that's the way I feel. Our feelings, our wants, our needs, they come from a deeper place. We can't will them to change as we can with things such as habits. So, I guess it's a two-way street, but I wish things could have ended differently.

I suppose the worst part was that I thought something was finally happening that had made me ecstatic. After betrayal and trauma in my first few weeks of college, something on the other end of the spectrum had happened. On Tuesday, we said we loved each other, and he made it very clear that it was in a romantic sense, at least in my eyes. So, for the past couple days I talked to my friends about it. We were giddy like nothing else, squealing and doing all the other things girls do when they hear about a real-life relationship beginning.

On Thursday, he told me that he believed we could be more as close friends. This shouldn't have hurt as much as it did, but I guess it was the product of years of disappointment. We were close friends--still are--so in a way, that made me trust him not to disappoint, I guess. I'm not angry at him. As I said before, you can't change how someone feels. What I am is hurt. There were tears last night, for a good while too, and there's that certain ache you always have when you don't really sleep that well and you get up the day after wondering if it really happened.

My Mom and brother are coming to visit me here at college this weekend. If not for that, I don't know what I would have done. Usually, I talk to my friends from home over the weekend, but this friend who I talked to last night is usually one of the main people I talk to. We're taking a day off to see how we feel about it with time to think. Honestly, I don't know. Obviously, we're going to stay friends, but it might take me a little time to get over the other feelings I have--the fact that I wanted a romantic relationship and the pain that I feel in my heart....the pain I call hoping.

~Gabrielle Sidonie