Too Tired to Think of an Adequate Title

Last night one of my friends was having a terrible day, and he wound up verbally abusing me. I've never heard those sorts of things directed at me before, and I never plan to again, but in the heat of the moment he was being intentionally hurtful. After finally convincing him that I wasn't phased by this, I logged off the chat and went over to my friend's dorm just to see someone who I knew would always love me as a friend. Later that night, my other friend came back on to apologize, and after a while, I said that I had forgiven him, but at the same time, I warned him never to do anything like that again.

Now I'm here, and we talked last night and today. Our friendship is almost more on track than it ever was because of this fight. However, ever since last night, I have felt exhausted. This afternoon, I went to the coffee shop to study, and ended up talking on facebook with my friends from home. Two cups of coffee did absolutely nothing to wake me up. Last night, I didn't get any homework done because of how exhausted I was from dealing with the entire situation. After that, I had a hard time sleeping because of how shaken up I was. Even though my friend had apologized, I hadn't quite settled down from my previous state. I had thought that I was losing one of my best friends, and the shock from that sort of thing doesn't go away overnight.

I'm trying so hard to write my paper for tomorrow, and I don't know why, but I have no motivation. It's a creed outlining my own beliefs for my religion class. All I can think about, though, is how badly I want to curl up in bed and not wake up until Friday afternoon. Maybe yesterday's events wore me out like that, I don't know, but I don't want to be this exhausted. I'm usually an energetic person, and tonight at dinner I felt lifeless, as if I could just stare into space forever. It was hard to focus on having a basic conversation about being home, and the names of cities in Ohio and the like. It was my first time seeing some of my friends since I got back, and I didn't feel like myself at all.

I talked to my best college friend this morning, and I can see it in her eyes. She thinks I'm in some sort of abusive relationship or something. She refuses to say a good word about this person after what he did to me, and I don't have the strength left to defend him. All I can do is look into her eyes and beg her to try and forgive him for my sake. I'm just exhausted these past couple days, and I'm sick of being that way, but I don't know how to fix it.

The good news is that there are only two weeks left until finals and Christmas break. Then I'll have a break where I don't come back to find out that a paper is due the next day, to feel like my world is crashing down around me because maybe, just maybe, I could break down and cry this time. Oh, but that's right. I come home to a room where I live with a total stranger. I'm an open person, but I would never let her see me cry. She has once, and it was the most awkward thing ever. This is why I want to room with my friend next year. Lately I spend almost no time in my dorm, and maybe having someone I love there will help make it more like home. Instead, I flit in and out like a shadow, waiting for the life to come back, the vivacity that I had during the last three months.

~Gabrielle Sidonie