Last night one of my friends was having a terrible day, and he wound up verbally abusing me. I've never heard those sorts of things directed at me before, and I never plan to again, but in the heat of the moment he was being intentionally hurtful. After finally convincing him that I wasn't phased by this, I logged off the chat and went over to my friend's dorm just to see someone who I knew would always love me as a friend. Later that night, my other friend came back on to apologize, and after a while, I said that I had forgiven him, but at the same time, I warned him never to do anything like that again.
Now I'm here, and we talked last night and today. Our friendship is almost more on track than it ever was because of this fight. However, ever since last night, I have felt exhausted. This afternoon, I went to the coffee shop to study, and ended up talking on facebook with my friends from home. Two cups of coffee did absolutely nothing to wake me up. Last night, I didn't get any homework done because of how exhausted I was from dealing with the entire situation. After that, I had a hard time sleeping because of how shaken up I was. Even though my friend had apologized, I hadn't quite settled down from my previous state. I had thought that I was losing one of my best friends, and the shock from that sort of thing doesn't go away overnight.
I'm trying so hard to write my paper for tomorrow, and I don't know why, but I have no motivation. It's a creed outlining my own beliefs for my religion class. All I can think about, though, is how badly I want to curl up in bed and not wake up until Friday afternoon. Maybe yesterday's events wore me out like that, I don't know, but I don't want to be this exhausted. I'm usually an energetic person, and tonight at dinner I felt lifeless, as if I could just stare into space forever. It was hard to focus on having a basic conversation about being home, and the names of cities in Ohio and the like. It was my first time seeing some of my friends since I got back, and I didn't feel like myself at all.
I talked to my best college friend this morning, and I can see it in her eyes. She thinks I'm in some sort of abusive relationship or something. She refuses to say a good word about this person after what he did to me, and I don't have the strength left to defend him. All I can do is look into her eyes and beg her to try and forgive him for my sake. I'm just exhausted these past couple days, and I'm sick of being that way, but I don't know how to fix it.
The good news is that there are only two weeks left until finals and Christmas break. Then I'll have a break where I don't come back to find out that a paper is due the next day, to feel like my world is crashing down around me because maybe, just maybe, I could break down and cry this time. Oh, but that's right. I come home to a room where I live with a total stranger. I'm an open person, but I would never let her see me cry. She has once, and it was the most awkward thing ever. This is why I want to room with my friend next year. Lately I spend almost no time in my dorm, and maybe having someone I love there will help make it more like home. Instead, I flit in and out like a shadow, waiting for the life to come back, the vivacity that I had during the last three months.
~Gabrielle Sidonie
Monday, November 30, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Post-Weekend Report
Today I was still kind of bummed about the events described in Friday's post, and then I was distracted, and then I was sitting around doing homework. Suddenly, I realized that I had to come up with a short reflection before my CLC meeting tonight(CLC stands for Christian Life Community, fyi). I grabbed a loose sheet of paper, and the first thing that came to my mind was the topic of forgiveness. Earlier, my friend told me that I should forgive and forget concerning Friday. So, I wrote a solid paragraph about my patron saint, Maria Goretti, and how she forgave the man who tried to rape her. The part that struck me, though, was when I wrote about what the reverse does. Holding grudges has always been something that I have tried my hardest to avoid. In my reflection, I said that doing so only ate away at me and my relationships.
I suppose the same holds true for holding onto things. Maybe I did want things to be a certain way, but I was still really good friends with this person, and so I realized that giving up those notions is worth keeping a good friend. Maybe those things will come to fruition some day, but for now I just have to be there for him in the way that he wants me to be. After all, that's the Christian way, isn't it? Sacrifice of yourself for the benefit of others.
Today, I called him right after I got out of my CLC meeting, and told him that I was for sure ready to move on from this whole thing. I think we'll be better off for it, and we can still be good friends without letting this get in the way of that.
Also, I saw my Classics friends today for the first time after the weekend. I didn't realize how much I missed them until I saw them again. It was so nice to be with my friends and just to see them. They are a good group of people, and more interesting than most to say the least. Tomorrow it's back to classes and whatnot, so I suppose I had better get back to work and study some Greek before it gets too late. Still pretty tired after my parents visited, so I should get to bed early since it's up bright and early at 8 tomorrow morning.
I suppose the same holds true for holding onto things. Maybe I did want things to be a certain way, but I was still really good friends with this person, and so I realized that giving up those notions is worth keeping a good friend. Maybe those things will come to fruition some day, but for now I just have to be there for him in the way that he wants me to be. After all, that's the Christian way, isn't it? Sacrifice of yourself for the benefit of others.
Today, I called him right after I got out of my CLC meeting, and told him that I was for sure ready to move on from this whole thing. I think we'll be better off for it, and we can still be good friends without letting this get in the way of that.
Also, I saw my Classics friends today for the first time after the weekend. I didn't realize how much I missed them until I saw them again. It was so nice to be with my friends and just to see them. They are a good group of people, and more interesting than most to say the least. Tomorrow it's back to classes and whatnot, so I suppose I had better get back to work and study some Greek before it gets too late. Still pretty tired after my parents visited, so I should get to bed early since it's up bright and early at 8 tomorrow morning.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Still Broken
"And if you touched, if you touched my heart, you'd feel the pain I call hoping."
~Still Broken by The Last Wish
You can't change the way other people feel, but the reverse is true too. Last night, someone who I thought I could be in a relationship with told me that he wanted to remain friends. To be honest, I think it shattered both of us. I could feel my heart breaking when he said it, but somehow I still wish it could be. Maybe I always will, and even if he doesn't want that, that's the way I feel. Our feelings, our wants, our needs, they come from a deeper place. We can't will them to change as we can with things such as habits. So, I guess it's a two-way street, but I wish things could have ended differently.
I suppose the worst part was that I thought something was finally happening that had made me ecstatic. After betrayal and trauma in my first few weeks of college, something on the other end of the spectrum had happened. On Tuesday, we said we loved each other, and he made it very clear that it was in a romantic sense, at least in my eyes. So, for the past couple days I talked to my friends about it. We were giddy like nothing else, squealing and doing all the other things girls do when they hear about a real-life relationship beginning.
On Thursday, he told me that he believed we could be more as close friends. This shouldn't have hurt as much as it did, but I guess it was the product of years of disappointment. We were close friends--still are--so in a way, that made me trust him not to disappoint, I guess. I'm not angry at him. As I said before, you can't change how someone feels. What I am is hurt. There were tears last night, for a good while too, and there's that certain ache you always have when you don't really sleep that well and you get up the day after wondering if it really happened.
My Mom and brother are coming to visit me here at college this weekend. If not for that, I don't know what I would have done. Usually, I talk to my friends from home over the weekend, but this friend who I talked to last night is usually one of the main people I talk to. We're taking a day off to see how we feel about it with time to think. Honestly, I don't know. Obviously, we're going to stay friends, but it might take me a little time to get over the other feelings I have--the fact that I wanted a romantic relationship and the pain that I feel in my heart....the pain I call hoping.
~Gabrielle Sidonie
~Still Broken by The Last Wish
You can't change the way other people feel, but the reverse is true too. Last night, someone who I thought I could be in a relationship with told me that he wanted to remain friends. To be honest, I think it shattered both of us. I could feel my heart breaking when he said it, but somehow I still wish it could be. Maybe I always will, and even if he doesn't want that, that's the way I feel. Our feelings, our wants, our needs, they come from a deeper place. We can't will them to change as we can with things such as habits. So, I guess it's a two-way street, but I wish things could have ended differently.
I suppose the worst part was that I thought something was finally happening that had made me ecstatic. After betrayal and trauma in my first few weeks of college, something on the other end of the spectrum had happened. On Tuesday, we said we loved each other, and he made it very clear that it was in a romantic sense, at least in my eyes. So, for the past couple days I talked to my friends about it. We were giddy like nothing else, squealing and doing all the other things girls do when they hear about a real-life relationship beginning.
On Thursday, he told me that he believed we could be more as close friends. This shouldn't have hurt as much as it did, but I guess it was the product of years of disappointment. We were close friends--still are--so in a way, that made me trust him not to disappoint, I guess. I'm not angry at him. As I said before, you can't change how someone feels. What I am is hurt. There were tears last night, for a good while too, and there's that certain ache you always have when you don't really sleep that well and you get up the day after wondering if it really happened.
My Mom and brother are coming to visit me here at college this weekend. If not for that, I don't know what I would have done. Usually, I talk to my friends from home over the weekend, but this friend who I talked to last night is usually one of the main people I talk to. We're taking a day off to see how we feel about it with time to think. Honestly, I don't know. Obviously, we're going to stay friends, but it might take me a little time to get over the other feelings I have--the fact that I wanted a romantic relationship and the pain that I feel in my heart....the pain I call hoping.
~Gabrielle Sidonie
Sunday, October 11, 2009
L'aventure de L'aeroport!
Ok, so I've been meaning to write my account of this for a couple days now, but it has just taken me a while in lieu of Latin appointments, cancelled Latin appointments, and trying to get a hold of people on the telephone. So, on Friday I found out that one of my very good friends was returning home. So, I honestly called with the original intent of declaring how jealous I was. That was before I found out about the whole fiasco surrounding this flight home.
My friend is currently attending school in Virginia, and he was supposed to fly home to good ole Michigan. When I called, though, he informed me that he had missed his flight because he thought it was at 6:30 pm and it was really twelve hours earlier. Neither of us really understands how something like that happens, but oh well. So, he asked the kind lady at the desk where else he could fly to, and Cleveland and Chicago both came into the conversation. A mutual friend of ours is currently attending the University of Chicago, and I am going to school just outside the east side of Cleveland. However, my friend declined both these options and decided to fly down to Atlanta, GA and then grab a connecting flight up to Detroit, MI.
So, we chatted on the phone while he was waiting for flights and such, and then after he touched down in Detroit. Silly boy, leaving warm, balmy Virginia for cold, blustery Michigan. Whatever, though. Michigan is home, and I miss being there. If I could fly home for a weekend, I would totally do it, but alas, the issue of money comes into play.
On a more serious note, I thought it would be the easiest thing ever to leave my hometown behind. It's a small, struggling ex-factory town that is kept alive mostly by the college that resides there. Still, there are people there who I've grown very attached to, and being separated from them does take its toll on me. I can't wait for Thanksgiving break, when I'm going to go home and see my friends and all the other people I know. It'll only be a few days, but a few days well spent. Until then, my Mom's visiting on Friday, and she's bringing my little brother with, so that'll be fun. We'll get to spend a few days together and I'll get to collect myself so I can make it through to Thanksgiving.
A Bientot!
~Gabrielle Sidonie
My friend is currently attending school in Virginia, and he was supposed to fly home to good ole Michigan. When I called, though, he informed me that he had missed his flight because he thought it was at 6:30 pm and it was really twelve hours earlier. Neither of us really understands how something like that happens, but oh well. So, he asked the kind lady at the desk where else he could fly to, and Cleveland and Chicago both came into the conversation. A mutual friend of ours is currently attending the University of Chicago, and I am going to school just outside the east side of Cleveland. However, my friend declined both these options and decided to fly down to Atlanta, GA and then grab a connecting flight up to Detroit, MI.
So, we chatted on the phone while he was waiting for flights and such, and then after he touched down in Detroit. Silly boy, leaving warm, balmy Virginia for cold, blustery Michigan. Whatever, though. Michigan is home, and I miss being there. If I could fly home for a weekend, I would totally do it, but alas, the issue of money comes into play.
On a more serious note, I thought it would be the easiest thing ever to leave my hometown behind. It's a small, struggling ex-factory town that is kept alive mostly by the college that resides there. Still, there are people there who I've grown very attached to, and being separated from them does take its toll on me. I can't wait for Thanksgiving break, when I'm going to go home and see my friends and all the other people I know. It'll only be a few days, but a few days well spent. Until then, my Mom's visiting on Friday, and she's bringing my little brother with, so that'll be fun. We'll get to spend a few days together and I'll get to collect myself so I can make it through to Thanksgiving.
A Bientot!
~Gabrielle Sidonie
Sunday, October 4, 2009
The Long and Winding Road
Those of you who are still bothering to read this are probably wondering why I haven't posted in such a long time. Well, my French paper, my FYS paper, and so many other things will tell you why. Life is so hectic lately, and I wish it would slow down, but I guess I'm enjoying all the nights staying up 'till 2 in the morning and waking up at 8 in the morning to do more work still. Tonight I'm finishing the FYS paper, but tomorrow a whole new onslaught of tasks begins. Alas, this really does not seem to lend itself to writing a blog, but I'm going to keep on trying.
Yesterday was really fun, actually. That's probably the reason I had so much to do today. Me and my friend Erin walked from JCU all the way to Target. On the way through, we stopped at Macy's to look at scarves, and I found a sweet deal. Erin saw this one that she wanted, and so I told her to price check it because department stores are always having something on sale. So, I decided to take up a couple things to price check while we were over there. Her things was a no-go, but it turned out that one of the scarves I had picked out was 9.99. That's right, something under $10 at Macy's. I was so ecstatic. Today I wore that scarf more proudly than I have worn anything in a long time.
We also went to Target since I needed to get some groceries, and we got to use the little escalator for the shopping carts. The Target here is massive, by the way. It has two levels, which is a whole new experience for me in that store, and the grocery department was actually like a full-fledged supermarket. So, I am now in possession of Goldfish, hot chocolate, spicy nacho doritos, and two boxes of Special K(I'm making an initiative to buy more healthy food while at college). Oh, and we walked back, so we stopped at this little bagel place, so I have five bagels in my room since I ate one this morning. I love my life, forget all that whining I did in the first paragraph!
So, I guess things have been more eventful than I thought they were. Tonight was my first CLC meeting, and it went well. I like having it right after Mass. When I go to Mass, I already feel focused, so that sort of carries over into CLC, which winds up being very convenient. Today I was told that I'll have to go down to Campus Ministry right after class to get a spot on the Manresa retreat, but I'm going to do it. I'll bring St. Augustine with me, because they really can't turn me down while reading the original Confessions. That would be a sad day. Oh, and I'll probably be cramming to finish it by 6.
For now, it's time to finish my paper for FYS and read some feminist excerpt in my reader. I'm sure it will be VERY enlightening, but I suppose it is important to consider both sides of the coin when fighting the opposition. Know your enemies, after all!
A Bientot!
~Gabrielle Sidonie
Yesterday was really fun, actually. That's probably the reason I had so much to do today. Me and my friend Erin walked from JCU all the way to Target. On the way through, we stopped at Macy's to look at scarves, and I found a sweet deal. Erin saw this one that she wanted, and so I told her to price check it because department stores are always having something on sale. So, I decided to take up a couple things to price check while we were over there. Her things was a no-go, but it turned out that one of the scarves I had picked out was 9.99. That's right, something under $10 at Macy's. I was so ecstatic. Today I wore that scarf more proudly than I have worn anything in a long time.
We also went to Target since I needed to get some groceries, and we got to use the little escalator for the shopping carts. The Target here is massive, by the way. It has two levels, which is a whole new experience for me in that store, and the grocery department was actually like a full-fledged supermarket. So, I am now in possession of Goldfish, hot chocolate, spicy nacho doritos, and two boxes of Special K(I'm making an initiative to buy more healthy food while at college). Oh, and we walked back, so we stopped at this little bagel place, so I have five bagels in my room since I ate one this morning. I love my life, forget all that whining I did in the first paragraph!
So, I guess things have been more eventful than I thought they were. Tonight was my first CLC meeting, and it went well. I like having it right after Mass. When I go to Mass, I already feel focused, so that sort of carries over into CLC, which winds up being very convenient. Today I was told that I'll have to go down to Campus Ministry right after class to get a spot on the Manresa retreat, but I'm going to do it. I'll bring St. Augustine with me, because they really can't turn me down while reading the original Confessions. That would be a sad day. Oh, and I'll probably be cramming to finish it by 6.
For now, it's time to finish my paper for FYS and read some feminist excerpt in my reader. I'm sure it will be VERY enlightening, but I suppose it is important to consider both sides of the coin when fighting the opposition. Know your enemies, after all!
A Bientot!
~Gabrielle Sidonie
Monday, September 28, 2009
Oh La La
Today has been a slow day, but it's Monday, so I don't know what else anyone was expecting. I actually had a really good day as far as classes went. Found out that I got a 107 on my Greek quiz, and it doesn't matter that 26 of those points came from extra credit which, according to an upper-level Greek student, may have been cheaply earned. The vocab quiz was easy...studying like I was told to do actually paid off, and so did getting up at 7:30 in the morning, as surprising as that sounds. After that I went to lunch with Erin, whom I missed so much, and then proceeded to go to First-Year seminar and single-handedly represent the free-market point of view. My presentation went well, and I think people were paying attention. I now understand why teachers seem so frustrated so often. The blank stares from the people "listening" definitely weren't the most encouraging thing in the world.
Anyway, I should probably start procrastinating and just finish my French paper already. Five pages in a foreign language....I've always been decent at French, but I don't really know what I'm going to do about this. The ideas are coming easily enough, but I haven't actually started writing it yet. Guess I should get on it and then I'll write again tomorrow with news of how it goes....loads to do before I can go to bed with a free mind.
A Bientot!
~Gabrielle Sidonie
Anyway, I should probably start procrastinating and just finish my French paper already. Five pages in a foreign language....I've always been decent at French, but I don't really know what I'm going to do about this. The ideas are coming easily enough, but I haven't actually started writing it yet. Guess I should get on it and then I'll write again tomorrow with news of how it goes....loads to do before I can go to bed with a free mind.
A Bientot!
~Gabrielle Sidonie
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Distance
Last night I was talking to my friends on Skype. It's fast, it's easy, and if you're just talking one on one, then you can even see each other face to face. Honestly, I'm pretty enamored of this invention. So many people these days move to places far away from each other, and you can't convey a certain smile over a telephone line, nor can you sing songs together over e-mail. Still, I was talking to a friend last night who was having problems, and we talked through it, but I wish I could have been able to give him a hug or something. Maybe it's just me, but I've come to realize that in most cases I'm a very physical person. I like being next to people, seeing them, and all of that sort of thing.
Me and my friends from high school have spent a lot of time in each other's presence. We did homework together, went to quiz bowl together, and all sorts of things. This past summer, we even went to Greece and Italy together. Now it feels weird being so far apart. Even if it were just an hour, I don't have a car. It would be difficult for me to get anywhere at this point unless someone else were to offer me a ride. The distance feels like it could be an ocean right now for all I can do, but that has also brought us a little closer, I think.
Being apart makes you realize how much you miss the people who have always been there for you. When I was having social issues recently, I had to come back to my dorm to break down with no one there. Parents, friends, whatever....when you're at home, you're used to having some sort of support system around at all times. Thank goodness, the next time that happened, someone was there for me, but it was still hard, because that person couldn't possibly know me as well as the people who I went to high school with.
I guess the point of this is that I really miss people. Lately, I have begun to think that maybe one of my weaknesses is that I tend to care too much too early on. Then I realized that that can't be helped. Being able to love isn't a bad thing, and everyone falls every once in a while. Last night I feel as though I did all I could to help someone, and that's what's important. Be there for whoever you can, be there to catch them when they fall. Then, when you're out of luck, and it feels like everyone's against you, you just might land in the perfect safety net.
Me and my friends from high school have spent a lot of time in each other's presence. We did homework together, went to quiz bowl together, and all sorts of things. This past summer, we even went to Greece and Italy together. Now it feels weird being so far apart. Even if it were just an hour, I don't have a car. It would be difficult for me to get anywhere at this point unless someone else were to offer me a ride. The distance feels like it could be an ocean right now for all I can do, but that has also brought us a little closer, I think.
Being apart makes you realize how much you miss the people who have always been there for you. When I was having social issues recently, I had to come back to my dorm to break down with no one there. Parents, friends, whatever....when you're at home, you're used to having some sort of support system around at all times. Thank goodness, the next time that happened, someone was there for me, but it was still hard, because that person couldn't possibly know me as well as the people who I went to high school with.
I guess the point of this is that I really miss people. Lately, I have begun to think that maybe one of my weaknesses is that I tend to care too much too early on. Then I realized that that can't be helped. Being able to love isn't a bad thing, and everyone falls every once in a while. Last night I feel as though I did all I could to help someone, and that's what's important. Be there for whoever you can, be there to catch them when they fall. Then, when you're out of luck, and it feels like everyone's against you, you just might land in the perfect safety net.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
First Post!
This is my first time writing a blog. Well, I used to have a Myspace account, but I never really used that. Anyway, I didn't think I had much to write about before, but lately I've been on the computer a lot and there have been a lot of things happening in my life, so why not write them down where people can see them? I've always wanted to be a writer, and sometimes real life is the best inspiration for fiction. So, maybe if nothing else, this will be useful to me some day.
My name is Gabrielle, Gaby for short, and I am an eighteen year-old college student. I come from a small town and the graduating class at my high school consisted of 17 people. So, coming to a class of 700 is kind of a big jump, even though most of my friends seem to think this is pretty tiny. Well, it is a smaller school, but still. I'm taking eighteen credit hours, which is the best and worst choice of my life. I think that if I can get through this, I can get through just about anything else in college. However, I have a boatload of work. Even though I'm a freshman, half of my six classes are 300-level courses, so it's a lot of work. For this weekend, I have to write a five-page paper entirely in French, start reading the nine pages of Latin due Wednesday, and other various tasks.
Currently, I am on track to be a Classical Languages major. Don't ask what I'm going to do with that, because I really don't know yet. Maybe I'll teach Latin some day. My Latin teacher was amazing and funny and really good, so he had a really big influence on me. Hopefully, I can do the same for people some day. I love being a Classics major. The department here is small, but the size affords a certain intimacy that is not found elsewhere. I enjoy the other people in the department, and it's nice to have other people to hang out with who share my oddball interests. The other love of my life is French....it's my spoken second language, the language in which my blog is titled, and so much more. It's so beautiful and so romantic! J'aime beaucoup le francais!
So, there's a little bit about me, and I hope somebody's out there reading this. Today's just another quiet Saturday, procrastinating on homework and missing home just a little bit. I look forward to letting everyone know what's going on, and maybe I'll even post some fiction of my own creation later on!
A Bientot!
~Gabrielle Sidonie
My name is Gabrielle, Gaby for short, and I am an eighteen year-old college student. I come from a small town and the graduating class at my high school consisted of 17 people. So, coming to a class of 700 is kind of a big jump, even though most of my friends seem to think this is pretty tiny. Well, it is a smaller school, but still. I'm taking eighteen credit hours, which is the best and worst choice of my life. I think that if I can get through this, I can get through just about anything else in college. However, I have a boatload of work. Even though I'm a freshman, half of my six classes are 300-level courses, so it's a lot of work. For this weekend, I have to write a five-page paper entirely in French, start reading the nine pages of Latin due Wednesday, and other various tasks.
Currently, I am on track to be a Classical Languages major. Don't ask what I'm going to do with that, because I really don't know yet. Maybe I'll teach Latin some day. My Latin teacher was amazing and funny and really good, so he had a really big influence on me. Hopefully, I can do the same for people some day. I love being a Classics major. The department here is small, but the size affords a certain intimacy that is not found elsewhere. I enjoy the other people in the department, and it's nice to have other people to hang out with who share my oddball interests. The other love of my life is French....it's my spoken second language, the language in which my blog is titled, and so much more. It's so beautiful and so romantic! J'aime beaucoup le francais!
So, there's a little bit about me, and I hope somebody's out there reading this. Today's just another quiet Saturday, procrastinating on homework and missing home just a little bit. I look forward to letting everyone know what's going on, and maybe I'll even post some fiction of my own creation later on!
A Bientot!
~Gabrielle Sidonie
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